walking the path - k_tzu

an abrupt and unexpected end

2005-11-21T08:10:00.000-08:00

the time for this blog is at an end.

having originally started this blog at the beginning of my journey to finding balance, i can honestly state i am closer to the center of where i want to be than i have ever been. i am more capable of finding and discussing my thoughts on the matter without generating much mental "heat" which would cause all the words to get caught in my throat. i can actually talk about it now. much of this fact is because of the thoughtful and considerate inquiries i have had to this blog.

it has been helpful and rewarding to know there were a handful of readers out there looking to this humble collection of words for something. the something varied on the individual and the unique perspectives related were humorous, touching, and at times, thought provoking.

to those people, i offer a deep and humble "thank you". without you, i could not have gotten here.

the children are now 19 (B), 5 (k), and 1 (m), and hopefully, with care, i can give them the gift you have bestowed upon me. a clarity of thought that will help guide them on their personal journey.

most gratefully,
-k

teeny tiny post

2005-10-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

will see in a bit.
tired. no coherent thoughts. well at least the ones i have been having are only suitable for my weekly papers for my classes. somehow, i do not think you would find the intracacies of project management tools very exciting readin material.
i spend most of the time looking up references and making sure the citation formats is correct. do you have any idea how non-fun that is for a person? i don't think you do...
more later (just do not know how much later).
-k

been awhile

2005-10-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

been busy, here the fast version:
-lost forty pounds to date (20 more to go).
-starting second to last class for my undergrad degree.
-m and k will not stop growing up or getting more beautiful.
-b will not stop partying.
-work continues to teach me stuff i did not know
-won the arbitration.

all for now. aloha nui loa.
-k

furiously, seekingly, maddeningly

2005-09-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

am being crushed by the weight of this testing project. very complicated.

note that i am careful not to discuss where i work, only the tasks i am performing? this is a lesson i picked up from heather b. armstrong. she is the originator of what not to write about in your blog.

this testcase (an entire suite, actually), requires test conditions covering three different time conditions: max hours per day, max hours per week, and max consecutive days. so depending on the current accumulated hours\days, the person will be able to see or touch the assignments. additionally, there are 7 scheduling options available, but only four are critical, the others "time permitting".

the time table needs to encompass a three month span at minimum to allow the time window to "age", permitting the function to exercise the breadth of its coding.

why do i write about this here? because while i can pen the individual timelines (very time consuming), i am sure there is a more elegant proposition available. i know it is there, it is just hiding from me.

damn you for hiding.

seekingly,
-k

spark of self-awareness

2005-09-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

i wish i had a magic wand.

it would be a wand with a single task. not to grant self-absorbed wishes of money, happiness, or things of that nature. its sole purpose would be to grant self-realization. not wanting to sound like a well-counseled therapy rat (no offense if you are), but i have witnessed so many people living in misery, and for the life of them, they cannot figure out why.

always someone elses fault, someone elses responsibility, as if they are somehow never given the opportunity to take control of their own happiness. i know this is a rant. a rant on those who are seemingly unable to conceive controlling their destiny. at this time, i, like those i center my attention on (today, at least), am unable to control myself. i am more like them than i know or am willing to admit.

wanting to help, attempting to explain this to them. leaving hints of their own power, hoping they will discover the inherent ability in themselves. desperately wanting to help them, thinking i can show them the way. they circle the truth, either too afraid to accept it or unable to reach for it, while repeatedly enduring the suffering that is their time. i am a witness to their inane babbling as they fulfill their particular destiny. completing the task they are assigned at this time.
then i relinquish and realize they are doing what they are supposed to do.

and so am i.

circlingly,
-k

death knocks

2005-09-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

was just informed yet another first cousin has passed away (died) of congestive heart failure.

he was 54.

YIKES!

what does this mean to me?
let's see, i am:
-overweight (aren't most)
-an ex-smoker (smoked for 20+ years)
-have high blood pressure
-have scary high cholesterol (according to doc Yee)
-am not as active as i am supposed to be (who is?)

factoring in these points with my family medical history does not make for a very rosy outlook.

what is a heavy, ex-smoking, hyper-tension, skyrocketing blood pressure, lazy asian brother to do?

easy. i am going to eat a greasy pork sandwich (with extra mayo), while smoking and then take a nap. well maybe not quite in that order. okay maybe not that order at all. okay, okay, maybe none of these things.

what i will do is prepare my wife kids as best i can for my departure. not my departure, per se, but the skills to understand that life does not end with the expiration of "shell". that the worst thing about someone dying is that we, those left without them, will miss them. it is the presence of the person passing we miss, not the shell we are used to seeing them in.

oh, and i forgot the other part. the part about how if you listen really, really hard, you can hear the voice of that person emanating from your heart.

quietly,
-k

greener grass?

2005-09-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

the girls grow, i get older, and i question if i am doing what i supposed to be doing.

right about my one year anniversary for whatever i happen to be doing, i always seem to get a nagging bit of the "grass is always greener..." syndrome. i find myself in the throes of this condition as i pass my 11 month anniversary. so what is a fellow to do? what i always do, sit tight and wait for the universe to speak to me. it always does around this time and there is truly no way of knowing which way i will be jumping.
so does this make me wise to the ebb and flow of the universe or just a flake looking for any reason to keep myself (and my loving family) jumpy at the prospect of possibly making yet another move?

only time will tell, i suppose.

i will finish up with school in early january (hoorah!). that is if you do not count the 27 lower division credits i still need to acquire to complete my degree. i will be attempting a series of pass\fail courses in order to speed this process along.

isn't school over yet?

2005-09-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

okay, let's do a quick checklist:

years invested in school:
every tuesday night for the past three plus years minus holidays (of which there were four) and a five week break back when i thought i was going to get this killer job (which i did not. dammit).

money invested:
just a shade under $30K. using the term "invested" lightly because i had to take out loans in order to even consider returning to a life of learning. the loans were made under the conditions of submitting a child for slave labor should i default.

sanity:
considering i was not evaluated for sanity to begin with, i think i made out for the better in this category. was i supposed to have the same or more sanity at the end of this little life project?

wisdom:
while the journey to near graduation looms near i ponder if i am truly wiser from whence i came. i do not have solid proof of wisdom gained, merely a feeling that i am somewhat better off than when i started. if perception is equal to personal reailty, than i am indeed more wise than when i started.

typing skills:
worlds improved from where i was just three short years ago (observation: if the trait is for the better, i refer to the time invested as "short". whereas if the net effect is negative, the time is referred to as "ardous", "tortuous", and "wearisome".) i can now type five letters without touching the backspace key, where prior to this i had was hitting it after only three.

clarity of thought:
most definitely not improved. if anything more muddled than ever because of the additional threads of thought introduced by mandatory Critical Thinking, Sociology, and Philosophy classes.

writing skills:
thanks to the effective training of on Cyril Kellet, i can now write an entire five page paper within the confines of the time required to watch the commercials aired during my favorite hour long night time drama.

writing for writing's sake.
-k

finally slept last night

2005-09-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

this has been one hell of a week. the small business tech contract i had been working finally saw their domain controller go down and they needed a new one immediately (of course). normally there would be a backup domain controller installed but they nixed that idea to save the money.
so what should happen?
the domain controller takes a dump and all of the user and profile information goes with it. everything needs to be recreated from scratch. square one. absolute zero.
for the first time in my consulting history, i had to call in someone to verify my network settings (thank you, mr. R!). if not the baseline for sanity, just for the moral support. i would tell everyone there, i am working on this set of priorities "accounting first, everything else later", and yet i am always faced with the inevitable "i know you are busy, but could you...?". i look at them, trying to shield them from the burning rays that would normally emenate from my eyes and cause them to burst into flames, and calmly tell them "i will add it to the list". once said, i would quickly turn away from them, hoping they will realize their issues are are the lowest thing on the "list" and they will just have to wait.
need to stop this rant to list the billable hours for this customer (18 hours and counting).

katrina

2005-09-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

i am struck dumbfound by the events following katrina.
-
please take some time to say a prayer for those affected.
-
talk to your children about helping people less fortunate.
-
if you are able, give something. anything.
-
quietly,
-k

required post

2005-08-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

having been sometime since i posted last, i knew i needed to get something up here. not for you dear reader (all three of you), but for me. because i know not only feel better when i post, but i know i must post in order to review the jagged edges of my daily thinking. without this occasional review, i am literally a ship without a rudder. floating about on the seas at the whim of the tides, completely out of control.
and on this day, like any other day, i am struck with "blank page" syndrome. so what can i offer up to my forward thinking, critically expanding brain? what shall i post about today?
---
not a post about breaking the law.
not a post about escaping from the law.
not a post about bending, circumventing, or avoiding the law.
---
today, i go the arbitration attorney.
today, i face the non-performing entities complaining of my "wrong-doing".
today, i present my case which basically says, "you left while the business owes money, therefore you still owe half the money the business owes".
today, i will be calm.
today, i will avoid being vindictive and small.
today, i will be above petty behavior.
today, i will not smoke (this is a biggie).
---
if i achieve only half of these points, today will be a success.
standing on the edge,
-k

so it begins

2005-08-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

last night there was much ado while little k laid out clothes in preparation for the big day. the lunch and snack were planned and set aside from the other foodstuffs, as if to mark the food special. it was different than the rest of the food on the shelf. shoes were set out and schedules were discussed. the morning was planned to the nth detail. little m has been preparing for this day for some time. it is the first day of kindergarten.
-
we started the day with much fanfare. there was the packing and repacking of the lunch tote. the organizing and re-organizing of the carefully selected blue backpack, resplendent with its elastic loops meant to hold pencils, pens, and general what not. (looking back, there were easily three dozen loops on the outside of the pack. what on earth would a child of five need more than three writing instruments?). k was aglow with the promise of doing something different with different people. she was ready to rock.
-
in the back of my mind, i recalled my first adventure to school. i do not recall any warning. i cannot remember preparation for the day. i only recall sheer terror at the thought of being without my parents for any length of time.
-
i had thought there might be some of that in k. i did not come straight out and ask her if she were scared, i just watched her for any signs of anxiety. know what i saw? everything but terror. i saw eagerness, ambition, and a sheer desire to begin this thing called school. she was standing there, on the cusp of independence (i know i am waxing peotic here) ready to jump at the for inclination of learning anything new.
-
unlike some of the parents there, i did not feel the need for tears, as this was not to be viewed as a time of regret or resentment. i do not look at this time as one of the passing of the child's passing era. this is the result of building confidence and instilling the joy of learning. she is precisely where she needs to be. ready to enthusiastically jump into the world with the tools she needs. not being held to the memories of the past and relegated to enacting her old triumphs.
-
i am fortunate to see her in this light.
-k

fitfull sleep

2005-08-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

little m's sleep pattern has been regressing and we have been paying for it. thankfully , sister m has been blessed with the "sleep of the innocents" (actually, considering the way she is able to zonk out, it should be called the "sleep of the dead").
-
we, the parents, have resorted to quietly but firmly telling her to "go to sleep", followed up with an emphatic "please". she was sleeping through the night just a week ago, but that now does not seem to work into her plans. the first night of the irregularity, she spent four hours (yes, four) screaming for mmmmmaaaa-mmmmmaaaa. but whenever we checked on her, the eyes and nose were dry. a tell tale sign of drumming up the drama. whereas, true tears would result in the use of many tissues and comforting through gasping sobs. this was not the case. proof positive the littlest one knows she has a choice and how to exercise it. lovely thing that "discovery of self".
-
ack. only three hours of sleep. zzzzzz.

time waits for no man

2005-08-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

little k went in for the required testing prior to entering kindergarten. she was reported to be eager for the session to begin (was home with little m), being the first little learner into the room when they put the call out. she and her soon-to-be fellow classmates clambered in, leaving their parents in a slightly bewildered state of anxiety, having been from their care without so much as an introduction from the school marm or a farewell from the children.
-
i knew this time was coming. this is really only the start of the time as to when she will severe her dependency from us altogether and begin her own life story. as parents, we spend extraordinary amounts of time preparing them for these events. we take care to repeatedly mention upcoming events in the hopes we will sufficiently prepare them for all of their life changing events.
-
but we forget.
we forget a very important point in all this preparation.
-
we forget to prepare ourselves.
-
forgettingly,
-k

this is not a post

2005-07-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

this is not a post.
---
this is only a test.
if this were an actual post, you would see words here pertaining to a particular thread or thought, relating to an officially sanctioned topic suitable for your reading pleasure.
---
what freakin' ever.
---
-k

"perils of nude modeling"

2005-07-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

find it on atomfilms funny, disturbing and hot.
---
lovely, lovely stuff.

-k

parenting: a requirement

2005-07-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

picture this:
it is sunday morning. having gone to bed at a decent hour last night, i found myself up at 0630 having coffee and channel surfing. thechildren are still sound asleep.
i landed on a movie channel watching a film called "It's The Rage", a film with intertwining plots and characters all having some sort of connection with guns. it was a testament on the responsibility of gun ownership and the implications of simply owning a gun. there is a decidely voilent undercurrent to the film. this is a film i would not normally watch with the kids any where near. the lessons of the movie would be too difficult to explain. forget the fact they are simply too young.
--
knowing it would be a few years before i could gear the childrens minds to accept this type of movie, i have resolved myself to the fact that violent movies are off limits for the next few years. so being presented with a moment in which to indulge in a movie with guns and people being hurt was rather a pleasant surprise.
the movie was great, slowly building to the climax of the plot where all the guns would go off and the characters lives would come together in a veritable orgy of bloodlust and symphonic resolve. there was literally only two minutes left of the film to go. i would soon be rewarded to the culmination of an intricately carved climax, which i fully deserved because i was a dutiful and caring parent who deserves this little break of violence. a much needed respite from teletubbies, boohbah, and big comfy couch.
--
that is until i heard k's bedroom door creak. the kids rooms are situated in such a way that i would be fully aware should any of them stir. k was my only concetn as her sister is still confined by a crib (but that will change shortly).
--
i was at a crossroads. i could order k back into her room for the last two minutes so that i could realize the total of my efforts of i could turn off the movie and start making her breakfast. this was much more than the completion of a movie. this was the just reward for sacrificing not only inappropriate movies, but the casual use of sarcasm, jokes about another person's mother, and cutting in line when no one was looking. this was my occasional and infrequent payment for all those times i packed up the kids and carted them to bed, just when the party was getting under way. what would i do?
--
after about three seconds deliberation, a smile crept across my face (something about irony crawled into my head, but i lost the thought) and i started scouring the fridge for something for the girls to eat.
--
my lesson? parenting does not stop, take breaks, or recognize how tired you are. rear the kids, the movies will wait. but i will see that movie again. soon.
-----
movie info: It's The Rage

typing and expanding your vocabulary

2005-07-19T10:57:00.001-07:00

a few months ago i started thinking "maybe posting would be more enjoyable if i typed better". having that thought worm its way around my head for a few weeks led me to take self paced typing course. i had recently loaded Fedora (linux, for the uninitiated) and soon discovered that a typing program comes included with the default installation (call kTouch). it is the perfect reintroduction to touch typing and the perfect starter for all wishing to improve their skills.
with regard to typing, i was largely self taught, and as such rely heavily on looking at the keys whenever i man a keyboard. since i now work in a linux heavy shop. i find myself using the sight crutch more often than i should. it is a real hindrance whenever i become engrossed in working out a new bit of code because i spend more time correcting my poor spelling than coding. not good.
as i am progressing through the lessons, i noticed i was much quicker and accurate with some letter combinations than with others. whenever i had to type in a series of letters i am not used to, i would slow down considerably. with this thought, i reviewed several posts in this blog spanning the past two years came to an unsettling conclusion. i am lazy and my bad typing habits have affected the language used in this blog.
the language used in this blog has stagnated due to me, not wanting to use unfamiliar keystroke combinations has led me to NOT use words i cannot type comfortably. this will have to change.
typing like never before.
-k

typing and expanding your vocabulary

2005-07-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

tired of learning

2005-07-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

just worked out the details and it looks like i will be school until janaury of next year. much longer than the two year timeframe originally projected by my optimistic enrollment counselor. what does he care, he got his commission for getting me to sign my name on the line. i have not been looking forward to school as much as i had been. before it was the joy of discovery and all that crap. now it just feels like a huge drain on what little organized time i have at my disposal.
i know, i know, it is good for my brain and an excellent example of continued learning for my children, but for now, _right now_ , it is just something sucking the life out of me. that is not to say if i were not currently involved with school there would not be something else sucking the color from my life. it just so happens school is the easiest target for my brain to bitch about.
-
had a physical yesterday and was instructed by the md to get a blood pressure cuff and start taking daily readings. while she did not say i am in danger, she mentioned i had the possibility to be. um, doesn't that apply to just about everyone on the planet?
-
little m (17 months) called me on the phone yesterday. since when could she dial?
-
tired, breathing, amazed,
-k

don't even try to stop

2005-07-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

..learning...
-
and breathing.
-k

continuing on

2005-07-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

still "stuck" in the neutral mind.
-
still stuck in the neutral passivity that shrouds my everyday thought.
-
am looking forward to going to china for a much deserved personal trip of self-expansion. i will probably be stuck in a group of westerners consuming crappy food and purchasing replicated antiques. but the trip will do me some good.
-
some good is what i seek.
some difference is what i need.
some new is what i deserve.
-
i cry at the thought of not being able to overcome the bland existence i have been experiencing. i could always find beauty in the mundane before, but now it alludes me. have i become insensitive to the simple pleasures i continually extol? have i conditioned my mind to the point where i am immune to simple pleasures?
-
still breathing,
still wanting,
still seeking,
-k

the search continues

2005-07-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

just with fewer words.
-
it feels like the closer i get to the path, the less i have to say about it.
perhaps that is how it is supposed to be.
-
stay focused. keep breathing.
-k

is it rude...

2005-06-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

to yawn without covering your mouth?
-
in front of your dental hygienist?
-
while she is cleaning your teeth?

plagued,
-k

angry enough to spit

2005-06-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

yet another relative passed away. rest in peace uncle T.
---
While "Uncle T" was really my cousin, he was always referred to as uncle due to the asian habit of deferring to all those older than you as "uncle. I think it is because we are always dropping kids and it is much easier than explaining a rather knotted (and sometimes embarassing) family tree.

Uncle had a stroke a few days back and never woke up. He passed siliently sometime during the night. I wished more people went as peacefully. No pain (that I know of, anyway). Just nodding off to long and restful slumber. Not realizing this was going to be THE nap.

The final rest stop.
----
The Big Dirt Nap.
----
I cannot get over the fact that I am so bloody angry about his passing. What is there to miss? I have not seen him in well over 25 years. I do have a few fond memories but nothing with much detail. There was the one time he gave me and my brothers some money and when of little means, that is always memorable. It is not like he took me fishing or he held the coveted title of "Most Favored Uncle/Cousin" at any point.

Why am I so angry about his passing?
- Is it there have been so many people dying around me that it reminds me of my own mortaility?
-Perhaps I am angry with myself for letting another person slip off the face of the earth without having a clear memory with which to remind me of them?
-Maybe it is because I should have been trying to maintain a relationship with this man, a close relative, rather than just sitting the deathwatch.

Pissed and unfulfilled.
-k

hmm? what's that?

2005-06-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

focus...
can't focus....
---
for the past three weeks (perhaps longer, but i cannot seem to recall exactly) i have been a slave to everything but higher thought. i cannot keep on subject to save my life.

literally.

let's say i had a choice between to focusing on a single subject for ten minutes or a painfully excruciating death. at the end of the ten minutes i would say "what were we talking about again?". completely oblivious to the fact of my impending death. that is until the god of hellfire reamed me clean through with whatever blade of suffering he happened to chose that morning.
is my routine just that? the rut of my existence telling me to do something else? i love my job. it is quite close to the job i have always wanted. do i need more challenge? between home, school, work, and work (yes, listed twice), do i have time for another challenge? besides changing my eating habits is well enough a fulltime "hobby" for now.

i expected to lose some focus, thinking the tao was making itself so ultra-present in my day-to-day life that is would have to ebb at some time. i just didn't think the "lowtide" would last this long. i find myself afraid my period of growth has stopped, leaving me stunned with thoughts of mortality.

--- breathing---
after taking the time to read this last post, i can see how i was\am misleading myself. my first myopic moment was thinking.
thinking the tao has limits of influence.
- the tao is limitless, and as i am part of the tao i am limitless.
thinking in the way of putting my ego before the tao.
- the tao cares not for ego, does not acknowledge something so small and bound by emotion.

just keep on breathing,
-k

I am the parent

2005-05-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

I was commiserating about children with a small group of people at work and found myself uttering the phrase "the problem with today's kids is...".
yikes!
since when did I become the person to make a statement of this kind? Since when have I graduated to the ranks of "them" that makes the rules instead of those breaking them? Have I reached the point where I can sit amongst the "elders" (being that I am one), and solve the dilemmas of youth over a cigarette and cup of coffee?
---
apparently so...
---
aging as you read,
-k

another class finished

2005-05-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

thank the gods...

Only three upper division classes remaining and then I have to attack the remaining electives. Should finish in about six months (if I can pass the three CLEPS remaining).

I am not as excited about school as I once was. Even the upper division stuff is not very appealing. Originally, I was chomping at the bit to get to the next class and tackle new subject matter. But now it just bores me. I find my brain wandering to anything but the class offering. Preferring to whittle away at testcases (for work) rather then the material. I cannot determine if I am tired, bored, or just ready for it to end.

I know I am not done learning, I am just done learning this stuff. At least for a while.

Trying to concentrate,
-k

remember

2005-05-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

regarding my state of mind...
---
while everything is not new,
everything is.
---
I have a friend (T) that is having issues with his wife and he is considering divorce and starting a family elsewhere because of their inability to conceive.

This somewhat mirrors J and I some years ago when I was refusing to contribute to the process because I was afraid to bring more children into the world.

So what was new and overcome to me then, presents itself in another form to remind me you must remember the past.

Is it just all humans must\will go through this experience as a rite of passage and I happened to be able to recall my personal passage?

If this is true, how many others are performing the rite and I have yet to notice?

Slipping into my best "look at me caring" mode, I tried to ask general, non-prying questions, to see what information T would feel comfortable offering. While there were many issues, the key point was, "she" was not able to have babies.
SLAM. This is exactly what happened in my experience. He was sure to preface the statement with, "I am not getting any younger and feel in order to bond with a child the children need to come from me".

I am now preparing an email suggesting a good family counselor (which I have happened to use with excellent results) and looking into fertility.

So what was learned and almost forgotten has returned to my frontal lobes to make damn sure I do not forget. Is the wisdom in realizing the return or the fact of knowing it will return yet again?

breathe deeply,
-k

Over three weeks since last here

2005-05-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

It is not as if I am suffering from subjects with which to blog. At any given point, I have at least ten topics which can be deemed worthy of exerting some mental sweat and generating type. But quite frankly, I have been completely consumed by reading other people's blogs. To be completely honest, I have been finding more comfort and inspiration in reading others observations instead of my own. Perhaps this is me finally looking out instead of peering in, which, if you were to question any person of the correct mindset, would be a healthy switch, regardless of what side of the spectrum you happen to be sitting.

One of my recent favorites is "Clublife" which is a neverending pool of "the-good-old-days" memories. While I have not worked anywhere near the size of mega-clubs as the blogger (Rob), I can see the positioning and postures assumed by the bar going crowd that I dealt with when I was a bouncer. I tend to reflexively replace the words "guidos" and "guidettes" with "surfie" and "surfette", with an occasional "redneck" sprinkled in for flavor. The biggest tip I ever got was "quit this job, it doesn't pay enough". I did.

two things for today

2005-05-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

---one
i am surrounded by death. having recently learned of grandma G's passing was a lesson in mortality. having also lost uncle P, grandma G, and a lelele is a very humbling experience. i am most concerned for my mother, as she is not of the best health and i can see the toll this is having on her.
it also serves as a very staunch reminder that i will someday lose my mother, and i do not think i will take it well. what does one say to a grieving parent? the same things i would say to a dear friend: "we cry because we miss them, but they will suffer no more".
---two
i have been viewing\reading\considering this new "alternative" to evolution being pushed by the christians, "intelligent design". where the "designer" remains unnamed, but alluded to as God (yes, capital G). currently, it is being pushed into schools under this cover, where they cannot teach creationism because of the federally mandated "separation of church and state". the "IDers" of some states are attempting to force science teachers to admit this into their curriculum as a "viable alternative" to evolution.
now i do not regularly post links here, as this blogs main purpose is a personal record serving only myself, but i did find this insightful (and long) article which explains the issue more succinctly than i ever could myself.
there are several times throughout the article when viewed with a taoist eye, you can note the misleading nature of language which i found validating.
go read this, you will need some time
---
be at peace,
-k

hmmm. and what have you to offer today?

2005-04-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

i have nothing...
has this blog outlived its usefulness?
i do not feel compelled to write as much as i have in the past. i do not think that is a good enough reason to stop writing altogether, perhaps it is just a temporary slowdown. one of the lulls alluded to in the taoist writings.
i continue to read as much as ever, but once again, the content is without direction. having just finished a novel about 1800 century time travle, i now find find myself reading something more "classical" by jane austen.
i have been relegated to the position of a "lurker", prefering to read about other people's lives, perusing others blogs.
---
am seeking a martial arts gym to expand my physical awareness.

i cannot explain why

2005-04-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

but i thought this weekend would be a good time to begin tumbling. J and k were out and it was just me and little m lazing about. the living room floor was uncharacteristically clear, just begging to be rolled on. i stretched out a bit (not near enough, as it turns out) and squatted near the floor in preparation. i tried to recall in my mind the clear action of tumbling (rolling, actually) as if thrown by an opponent, remembering the force how one goes about redirecting the energy. then i envisioned my contact points and which bits of my frame went where in order to complete the roll. a quick check of little m, and i threw myself forward, right arm extended for initial contact... and found myself upright about six feet from where i started.
the first thing i noticed where the complaints of muscles long ignored. there was a small sting near the top of my head caused by my failure to fully retract it from point of impact and my right calf was complaining about something, but i could not figure out what. so i figured i could find out if i did it again and paid more attention to that particular part of the roll. turning and checking on little m, i prepared and went over again, paying attention to the position of the head this time. the head made came through without complaint, but the calf was still shouting about something, so i submitted to yet another.. and another... and another... .
just as when i stopped so many years ago, i favor my right side whenever i roll. i was like rag doll when ever i tried rolling from the left. i will have to practice much to overcome this.
before i knew it i was winded, sore, and unintentionally entertaining little m who just stood there, staring at her poppa being thrown to and fro by some invisible force. i finally stopped when i noticed i was too tired to improve the action. in essence, i was beating myself up with nothing to show for it. all told i spent about thirty minutes flipping around like a man possessed.

today, i am paying for it. i forgot about some of the muscle groups, but am reminded whenever i breathe. why am i telling you this? i already told you... "i cannot explain why".

the past finds me

2005-04-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

it is interesting how ones past dictates the future.
---
have had a distant relative contact me seeking information about a common ancestor. she found me because of an entry i made with his name (Chief John Anthony Chu Chu Neddles Gilman) over four years ago. my desire for this information has subsided until just now, perhaps she is an unkowing messenger, sent to revive my curiousity.
either way, i find my desire for more information rising again and shall begin my research anew.
---
it is a welcome reminder to know one's past. for without a history, one must create one.
---
it is the same with my toaist practice. after a long and ardous journey, finally reaching a certain point, i rested. only to find the act of resting seemed to want even more rest. did my journey stop? no, but i stopped seeking also. the effect of "non-seeking" produced more of the same, until i was non-moving. only waiting for something not yet defined in my still muddled head. i start again, breathing, seeking.
---
awakened,
-k

i have nothing to day today

2005-04-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

but i figured i should at least post a "something".
i cannot explain my lack of introspection. i keep thinking," there must be something i need to be thinking about". but after careful inner deliberation, i find nothing.
--wait--
there is something...
i was bidding on ebay for these travel coupons in order to go see D\F in MI (D was just diagnosed with cancer), but every time (three times actually) as the auction was about to close, ebay would end the auction, citing undisclosed "rule violations" for this item. all traces of the item and the seller would be removed leaving me scratching my head. in desperation, i noted the one of the seller ID's and bid for yet another auction and it happened again. only this time i found another item the seller had listed and used it to contact them (her, as it turns out).
i explain that i am needing this voucher to visit a sick friend and am willing to work outside of ebay's safety net in order to acquire the item. she responds not more that two hours later that the vouchers is mine for the taking, my only liability is to "pay it forward".
i was floored (i still am). how does one respond to that? i thanked her profusely and humbly, sending her pictures of the girls to somehow share some of the light that is in my life. this was totally unexpected.
people rarely surprise me, but she has overwhelmed me with this small token.
humbly surprised,
-k

this is where i sit

2005-04-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

nothing pressing or stretching my spiritual boundaries. some may call it lazy (shouldn't i be seeking these experiences?), while others may say the experiences are all around me, i just refuse to see them. while all of this (or perhaps none), of these statements may be true, i can only reply with a non-guilt ridden sigh of releif.
i am happy to "rest towards center" for a short while. gathering my strength for another round, which i am sure is just around the corner.
the girls continue fo grow and thrive physically, mentally, and spiritually. little k caught me off guard during her bedtime prayers by asking for god to "feed the hungry people". ah, bliss.
while i seemed to have stopped meditating for a while, i have taken up the slack by walking. i can feel the pull of meditating calling me back.
breathe,
-k

happy with what is

2005-03-16T09:08:00.000-08:00

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have." (author unknown)

how content are you with your life?
how content would you like to be?

then be that content.
---
it is the simplest truths that lead one to happiness. often they are truths that lay in front of our consciousness our entire lives. sometime on the journey to adulthood, we are taught simplicity is not important. that there is more than what is in front of us. the only "more" we encounter are the murky ideals of our own crippling ego. the rantings of a mind led astray by other egos seeking happiness and fulfillment.
the measure of fulfillment is within you.
find it.
embrace it.
seek solace in no other place.
-k

the mourning sister

2005-03-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

as the house beds down for the night, aka calls for her sister. it is crushing to think this little creature realizes she is missing. she takes no comfort in our words of encouragement. all she knows is that she misses her sister and no one can explain where she could be. who says animals do not have souls? i pity them.

lost a pet last night

2005-03-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

got a hysterical call from my J yesterday. through sobs she was telling me lele (one of our pet cats) was having breathing troubles and they were on their way to the vet. the vet is only a couple of minutes away so i waited for her to relay the diagnosis.

a few minutes later i get the answer: cardiomyopathy

this is a particularly painful event for J as we originally adopted the cats (sisters, btw), in order to help her get her mind off the troubles we were experiencing getting pregnant. so, in the larger scope of thing, those cats are like her first children.

i jumped on the bike to meet them at the vet's office. the whole time i am thinking how glad i am there is a vet available to perform services like this. if we were out in the middle of a rural nowhere, we would only be able to sit and worry as our cat expired in front of our eyes. lele was a poor, pathetic sight. she was mewing between gasps for air and you could hear a rasp from her lungs as she tried to breathe. she was scared, but too incapacitated to move.

little k was frightened, but i told her how inportant it was for her to say goodbye. to let lele know that is was okay for her to leave us. she was as brave as a 5 year old could possibly be. she pet her a couple of times and spoke softly to her between sobs of her own.

at first J wanted to stay with her as the when the vet put her down, but suggested against it. i thought it would be too devastating for her. i did not really know what to expect. i had seen animals put down before, large and small, for a variety of reasons. but never one i had personally invested so much of myself into.

it was myself, the doc, a helper (liability witness?), and little lele. she was mewing more frequently now, almost with every breathe. she knew something was about to happen. the doc gave me a few minutes to be with her just before the shot. what does one say to a beloved pet (this is the first time i have ever used the term "beloved" with the word "pet" in my life). i told her the things you would tell a person. everything will be better shortly. it's okay for you to go. we will meet again. i called the doc in for the shot.

i had my hands on her when she breathed her last breath. i felt the life go out of her. she was still. she went quickly and quietly. we all should go so painlessly. i stayed behind and stroked her fur, trying to commit as much of the tactile sensation as i could to memory. even as i type this i feel the emotional pull of her loss. i can see the fine color differences in the layers of fur. then i cried. i wept for myself and my family, because we will miss her.

FINALLY - on two wheels again

2005-02-28T08:54:00.000-08:00

after much planning and throwing a little caution to the wind, i finally managed to get the bike back on the streets. needless to say the ride into work was not long enough this morning. i am considering taking off a little early and taking the long way home (depending on the weather). i still find it difficult to believe it has been over two months since i sat on the thing.
not to say that i should not have been riding. even compensating for the atrocious riding weather, i do not think i was in the proper frame to ride over the past few weeks. i was lacking large amounts of sleep and in retrospect, i can see how it would have affected my ability (maybe).
whatever. that time is done, the bike is in great shape (so am i for that matter), and the weather is clearing. what a time to experience the world.
my four year old stunned me the other day when she tells me she wants to lay on the grass in the front yard to "find beauty in the mundane". yikes! i guess all that blathering on i do is having some affect? she is an amazing child (proud father moment).
swinging to the center,
-k

most interesting

2005-02-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

okay, okay, okay.
i really do not have a specific topic to rant on about. this is my fetal attempt to make sure i stay in the practice of posting. i used to subscribe to a blog called the Harpold 500, where the author strived to post at least 500 words each day. when i first found it, i thought how "hard can that be"? ha! how hard indeed. the author is very talented, making use of her 500 word promise everyday.
her writing is so good, i wished she would expand her vignettes into short stories. she stopped posting shortly after moving to to another state. i have not seen anything new on her site since then.
so this is not an attempt to establish a practice of blogging 500 words per day. this is me trying to keep in the practice of my reflective and thoughtful, trying to remain considerate.
this is also me trying to reteach myself to touch type. as i am literally surrounded with linux geeks who can type as fast as lightning (this is not an exageration) trying to teach me a few token commands and my typing skills failing miserably.
that is enough for today. i guess.
begrudgingly touch typing,
-k

i sleep standing

2005-02-15T15:40:00.000-08:00

been too bothered to post. been wreckless with activity, straying away from the placid times of stillness i seek. it must be the toa telling me to pay attention to the yang side of life. it is yang's turn.
guess it has been a while since the pendulum swung to the other side. but only in stillness do i care to notice. i must broaden my perception to fully address yang, and not leave it relegated to the care of an afterthought. not only must i breathe, i must breathe faster and with more concentration.
disjointedly,
-k

sky high post

2005-02-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

this was written while i was in the air on a business trip, how come they do not have internet access on airplanes yet?
---
this is a first for me. in all my high tech wanderings this is the very first time i ahve ever bloogged at thirty one thousand feet. as i type this, i am enroute to indianapolis for a series of training sessions with some clients. i am extremely tired having worked from 0600-1100 hours in the morning just prior to leaving (flight departed @ 1220).
i had to finish a couple of projects at the house, exterior stucco and interior tape and mud. this is easily turning out to be the most horrfically sceduled two weeks of my life. for the past week i have been putting in about 12hours a day. at least eight at the day job and three to five at home in prep for exterior and interior painting and assorted other things that crop up while one partakes of such activities.
i am loathe to admit it, but this little business trip will actually serve as a welcome respite from my frenetic activities.
---
this was the final week of NTC360 and we had a presentation that i was no where near prepared for. thankfully i think well on my feet and the project was a no brainer. the parts read well on their own, but they were not melded together and actually proved contradictory on a couple of the more salient points. i think i hid my surprise with grace.
---
on thing i did notice, just prior to takeoff was that i was constantly giving thanks for my life and the things i have experienced. it sounded something like this: "i am thankful for my life, i am thankful my children, i am thankful for my wife, i am thankful for the time with my wife, i am thankful i know my parents." and so on and so on.
seeing it in print makes it look really trivial, but there were times when i heard mothing but this mantra. i would start just prior to lift off and i would stop after we were well into the air. it helped me travel in peace after such a hectic build up. if it were my time to depart this plane (nice pun) i would be well prepared. i think most peopel do not give a second thought as to what would happen if they were suddenly ripped from the only existence they know.
then again, i can only guess myself, yes?

indianapolis

2005-02-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

impressions of one passing by.
cool downtown, great old buildings with lots of architectural details. wish i would take one of these old building home with me and live in the loft. kind of a bleak, gray, industrial aftertaste while they "clean up" the downtown area. lots of instances of superbly restored walkups surrounded by concrete pads and parking lots.
the downtown strip wish a tribute to modern consumerism and developed with great pains to keeping the buyers warm and snug in the craw of the retail shops. there were overhead walkways connecting the shops over of the intersections to prevent the crowds from having to bundle up against the cold.

good company and fine stout

2005-01-28T07:15:00.000-08:00

this post is more superficial than others, but it is important
---
had a little get together with long friends and good beer last night. for two hours, we talked, yelled, laughed, guffawed and generally made merry. it was just the tonic i needed to remind me to get out more often. as a bonus, i found myself in the moment, with thoughts of being or doing nothing else. i was experiencing the toa...
---
i had a moment of clarity while drinking beer, does it get any better than that?

western civ beckons

2005-01-27T07:31:00.000-08:00

being surrounded by all things western (thoughts, values, etc.), i find myself heeding its call. in spite of myself and my much vaunted thoughts of the toa, i am constantly catching myself where i profess i do not wish to be, in the craw of my ego.
would this be different if i were able to relocate myself to the east? would i be able to stand myself under the conditions i yearn for? this blog would cease to exist, how would that affect me? am i only seeking the toa so i have something to blog about?
---
have an unexpected roadtrip to indianapolis coming up next week. one of the execs thought i justed wanted to go because it was a desirable city. have you been to indianapolis in the winter (or anytime for that matter?). not that i am being down down on the great city, but the only thing i think of when i hear the name is "gentlemen, start your engines!", and the last i heard, the cars of nascar are not currently running. besides hanging about with a crew of motorheads is not exactly my cup of green tea.
---
so in the next two weeks, i have to help move the office (we are moving across the street, like... why?), get the respective portions of the house ready for interior and exterior paint, new windows, prep for little m's HUGE b-day bash on 02.13. when ever my schedule gets really crowded i always think of it as being further from the tao, but after seeing the words on the screen, i now think this is only the cyclic nature of the tao, teaching me to flex like a reed in the wind.
i feel better.
off to breathe,
-k

busy, busy

2005-01-20T19:38:00.000-08:00

release schedule has been stpped up by a week (leaving only seven precious days), we are relocating office across the street by the end of the month, and my tech contract is demanding more time. what to do, what to do?
even by trying NOT to be involved with these things, they have a way of slowly building up just out of my vision, then pouncing when i least expect it. at second glance, this is much like nature. for the most part of one's days living on the beach is a wonderful affair, the envy of those less fortunate. then, once you have forgotten how to remain cynical, nature brings the yin (masculine) to your attention. you will pay attention, whether you like it or not.
this is where i am at. hosting the yin.
i am looking forward to this visit with much enthusiasm. although i fear my posts will suffer.
learn to straddle,
-k

busy, busy

2005-01-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

time being consumed with construction on the hall bath, kid 1, then 2, then wife, then me getting a weird stomach thing requiring being offline for 24 hours and a pending release @ work. it was a gnarly week, but is calming down nicely. more later.
-k

where i am supposed to be.

2005-01-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

there are times, while lost in the suffocation of the idle banter that is encompasses the human mind, that i wonder if this is where i am supposed to be. am i supposed to be with this person, with these children, working at this job, owning this car?
is this my destiny?
---
the tao tells us, "you are where you find yourself".
---
if you stop concerning yourself with want, desire, ambition, then the answers arrive effortlessly.
---
but how do i equip the children for this path. the concern for myself has been surrendered (because only in giving up all ego, can one become one with nature), but is it possible to prepare the children for a shorter path? is there something i can do to prepare them for this journey?
---
concerned,
-k

had an "episode"

2005-01-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

driving the car to work is starting to take its toll. at least, i am letting it takes its toll on me. the weather and minor maintenance have prevented me from riding the bike to work for the past four weeks.
---
the incident:
i was on the onramp and before i realized it i was preventing some guy from a late entry into the lane. i was not actively placing the car in his way, just kind of absent-mindedly keeping him from entering the lane. before i had a chance to "make good" on my crappy behavior and let him in, i see him glaring at me and mouth the word "asshole". immediately, i am almost out the door and into confrontation mode. traffic was slow enough i could have whacked him and returned to the car without delaying traffic one bit., so there was little fear of retribution.
---
so, has drving the car to work the root cause or am i just looking for trouble?
---
trouble breathing,
-k

once more under the breach, dear friends

2005-01-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

classes start again tonight. we finally have wireless access in the classroom (hence this post), so i thought i would throw a quickie up before session starts.
---
the subject matter for this class is "intro to networking", which is something i already know quite well, so staying in the "novice mind" should be a challenge. wish me luck.
---
stay young,
-k

hear the joy in a child's laugh

2005-01-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

as i sit and commiserate about the condition of the world i can hear my daughters in the bath, laughing and giggling as they splash and play. for them, there is no other time than right now. there is no anticipation of this wonderful time coming to an end, there is only the present, that is a time to enjoy.
---
as parents, it is our responsibility to give them the time and understanding to know all things must end. we are the demons of childhood, bringing reailty to an otherwise magical time. if left alone, they will notice the cues themselves; the water is cooling off, thier skin is starting to wrinkle.
---
even without us, the time expires. why do we feel responsible to bring the magic time to end when we know it will end of it's own accord?
---
breathe deeply,
-k

my missing friend

2005-01-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

i have an indian friend that had travel plans to visit home over the holidays. she was supposed to travel home to india and return sometime this week. having not heard from her in quite some time, i am worried for her safety and for those she holds dear.
i pray for her.
---
-k

day one

2005-01-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

to a taoist, the first day of a new year has no more meaning than any other day of the year.
---
the day has a sun that rises, a mist that clears, and a passing of time, much like any other day.
this is quite different than our western society, which is socialized to view the new year with the perspective of a new begining. we are reared to see this as the opportunity to initiate change in our lives, hopefully for the better.
---
why couldn't one start change as soon as it is recognized?

"oh, that would be to hard, one should research and layout a proper plan to avoid failure" we say.

i would rather deal with one that has faced failure than one who has not. they are better prepared for times when things go wrong.
---
do not be afraid to begin,
-k

on sharing the tao

2004-12-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

---
(The Tao) produces (all things) and nourishes them; it produces
them and does not claim them as its own; it does all, and yet does not boast of it; it presides over all, and yet does not control them.
---
this passage hints at the appropriate demeanor to maintain when speaking of the tao. speak of it as you found it, NOT as it affects you. to do so, would be to lead the listener further from the truth.
the contradiction when speaking thusly is there is little room for mutual exchange, because the most people have learned to relate from another's position and reaction. without the perspective of another person (with similiar circumstances) the listener must digest and create a new understanding for each new concept they hear or see. it is up to the listener to understand this: upon finding guideposts to the tao, do not link the experience to the person speaking, as you have learned to do in the past.
---
simply take the information, write it down if need be, and be patient. it will blossom when the time is correct. this will also help you remain remain in the "beginner's mind".
---
i should note, i started this post with no thought in mind. i was originally going to post an apology with the passage underneath it. the post wrote itself after brief reflection.
---
condense your breath daily,
-k

happy Kwanmimas

2004-12-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

not to be outdone by those who have started combining christmas and hannukah (happy chrismikka), i offer the following dive into the absurd as i combine Kwanza, Hanukkah, and Christmas to create "Kwanmimas" (cards and t-shirts are available in the lobby). just doing my part to further obsure and water down another cultures holiday season.
---
soon the common holiday greeting will be "happy x-season", where x will be up to the receiver of the greeting to insert their own culture's branding. the words are meaningless, but the intent would still be the same.
---
be well,
-k

learning, music, and breathing

2004-12-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

how does one remain in "novice mind"?
---
if accumulation of the knowledge "dulls" the sense of discovery, then the gaurded one will put himself in a state of constant learning. providing an ever continous stream of oppotunities to be the novice.
---
having discovered the joy of learning in my later years, i am trying to make sure my children always have an opportunity to learn about any subject that catched their eye. there are pitfalls in following this pattern, however. i must always seek objectivity when they pass on to another subject should the present one be perceived as difficult.
---
i can see music contributing a large part of their upbringing and am preparing the cirriculum presently. which instrument shall it be? i lean towards piano and violin, while the eldest girl says the would much prefer the trumpet. are there trumpets for this small a person? this should be interesting, to say the least.
---
in the past, i have used music to help me meditate, attached my thoughts to the textures and movements of the notes. it would seem i was only fooling myself with this effort. i was merely listening to the music, an active participant. now, i simply sit and use the cadence of my breathing to dictate my being. which is the true reason why one breathes anyway, right?
---
breathe in, breathe out, repeat as needed.
-k

Subsided

2004-12-20T09:16:00.000-08:00

the dizziness gradually decreased over the past two days and has finally left me. there is nothing like a little weird symptom to prompt questions of one's mortality...
---
on death and dying.
at times i think i am beyond caring about death. the tao tells us that death is nothing more than a the shedding of a husk we have occupied during this lifetime. to be thought of as merely leaving one room and entering another.
i have performed the ritual cleansing of ridding myself of the thirty some odd years of accumulated religious baggage that comes from a catholic school upbringing (sorry, mom), as well as the other odds and ends i have collected.
on deeper reflection, it is my ties to this earth that cause me the most worry:
-have i prepared the children for their lives?
-does anything i do really help them, or are they on their own?
-have i helped anyone, at any time see the world for what it is?
---
there are my goals. since i know i will not achieve enlightenment any time soon, what can i do to help others along the path?
---
humbly seeking,
-k

dizzy

2004-12-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

i am physically and mentally dizzy today. it started about 6pm last night and while not increasing, it is not improving either. i actually felt dizzy just before falling asleep last night. the last time that happened i was drunk and the spins came to visit. perhaps i am paying for all the times i woke up WITHOUT a hangover when i really deserved one?
---
the "project" was spoiled when i absent-mindedly had it shipped to the house (note to self: ship surprises to office) and J opened it thinking it was another thing i had ordered for her (well i guess i DID order it for her). it was a 10 page double-sided book of pictures bound in a matte cover, printed on art quality paper. pics of just the kids in verying states of cuteness only they could dish out. it was still well received, it no longer fills the bill as the xmas gift. on to plan b. the very top secret plan b.
---
i walked for lunch yesterday. a mere 1.4 miles, but a good thirty minute effort (there is a hill) that does seem to get a rise in my pulse. just getting out of my chair would get a rise for that matter. i noted several very cool things while walking that would have been missed if in a car, two of which: on the downhill leg of the lap, there is a very cool spider web (and the requisite spider) in a carrotwood tree _and_ there are many birds you can hear while walking.
also i notice the looks of people while the are driving by. i cannot seem to discren if the look upon me with pity (oh my, poor fellow has to walk) or derision (that's right, walk. sucka!). i also notice people drive exceedingly fast, even when they know there are stoplights which will impede their progress.
---
i find this thought very amusing. like they are in a race to see who gets to stop first.
---
i most probably exhibit these same qualities when i am driving, it is only noticed by those moving at a more natural pace. a pace dictated by your feet contacting the ground.
perhaps all of us should walk more?
listen to nature,
-k

avoiding political leanings

2004-12-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

taoists are not permitted to be politically involved. the reason is that political practice and the people performing them are all temporary (as with all things developed by man). being impermanent, they have no intrinsic benefit to those practicing taoism. anything that does not further one's progress is only a distraction (unless you are destined to undertake them, but that is a subject for another day, yes?).
---
that being said, i just added a new link (waaaay at the bottom) called sorryEverybody that basically is a national apology site for the mess that is coming from the Bush winning his second term. while there are "cute" vanity sites like these in every nook and cranny of the internet, this one seems to capture a true entire cross-section of the populace, with submissions from every state and even a few countries granting forgiveness. very timely, poignant, amusing.
---
quiet your mind, everyday.
-k

just a little test...

2004-12-15T16:37:00.000-08:00

how many of you remember the actual words of the emergency broadcasting system?
--
this is a test of the emergency broadcasting system. this is only a
test. if this were an actual emergency, you would have been informed
where to turn to for official information and bulletins for your local
area.
--
i felt an odd sense of nostalgia writing this post.
--
oh, and if you can read this the email post function is operating as
expected. cool.
-
remember to seek yourself,
-k

test for email push

2004-12-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

--
i felt an odd sense of nostalgia writing this post.
--
oh, and if you can read this the email post function is operating as expected. cool.
-
remember to seek yourself,
-k

overcommited OR lazy

2004-12-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

am having trouble keeping all my ducks in a row lately, giving way to the thought that i am either thinking i have more time than actually exists OR i am too lazy to eek out yet another free moment with which to be more productive. so how is that for a personal dilemna? am i so busy i cannot schedule appropriately or am i just not commited to finding another spare moment?
---
this feels like a half-empty glass reference...
---
i am writing this because, once again, i have waited until the eleventh hour for some school work and under the gun for completion (or at least i was under the gun until about 2000 last night). i do not feel the quality of work has suffered (reflected by the 4.0 i am getting in the class) so the only thing really suffering is my own internal pressure.
now that i see it in writing, who cares? the work gets done on time (barely), i am not coughing up blood, and the grade is solid.
---
whatever. out of school in about eight months. good. i need the break.
---
cultivate ch'i. breathe.
-k

small offering

2004-12-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

please accept this humble offering from my wanderings, i have nothing else to offer you today.
---
-= YO =-
---
to everything there is a season.
to every season i am just a little bit late...
---
be well,
-k

on leadership

2004-12-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

i read so many good things i figured i should start sharing them.
it also allows me to "coast" on getting a post out every few days.

---

this is one of the many translations of a particular passage of the tao te ching.

it speaks volumes regarding the state and expectations of the american political system.

"The wicked leader is he who the people despise.
The good leader is he who the people revere.
The great leader is he who the people
say, 'we did it ourselves'."

"If you want to be a great leader,
you must learn to follow the Tao.
Stop trying to control.
Let go of fixed plans and concepts,
and the world will govern itself.

"The more prohibitions you have,
the less virtuous people will be.
The more weapons you have,
the less secure people will be.
The more subsidies you have,
the less self-reliant people will be.

"Therefore the Master says:
I let go of the law,
and people become honest.
I let go of economics,
and people become prosperous.
I let go of religion,
and people become serene.
I let go of all desire for the common good,
and the good becomes common as grass."
---
how does one vote not to?
-k

on enlightenment

2004-12-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

A student once asked his teacher, "Master, what is enlightenment?"

The master replied, "When hungry, eat. When tired, sleep."
---

when you eat,, eat.

when you sleep, sleep.

dedicate yourself fully to the current moment and realize the tao. animals have no problem doing this and they are closer to the tao then we will ever realize. i would envy them if it would not impede my progress (just by thinking that, i already have).

---
be without envy,
-k

shouting from the rooftops

2004-12-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

--- taken in it's entirety from truevision ---

A student once asked, "What is the difference between a Man of Tao and a little man?" The Zen Master replied, "It is simple. When the little man becomes a student, he can hardly wait to run home and shout at the top of his voice to tell everyone. Upon hearing the words of the master, he will climb to the rooftops and shout to the people. Upon learning the ways of the master, he will parade through town telling one and all about his new knowledge".

The Zen Master continues, "When the Man of Tao becomes a student, he will bow his head in gratitude. Upon hearing the words of the master, he will bow his head and his shoulders. Upon learning the ways of the master, he will bow to the waist and quietly walk alongside the wall so that people will not see him or notice him".

---
the lesson i take from this is that externalizing (broadcasting) your belief system is only your ego striving for validity. whereas, one truly on the path will only continue quietly (if anything, even more quietly than before).
---
what does this say of those followings that instill guilt and fear unless you submit to their ways? why do they insist theirs is the only way?
---
the bible is not a true reckoning of any series of events, as it was edited and assembled by man. i think this is God's (the ten thousand things) way of telling us that man-made records are not a true representation of events and we should seek our own truth. which is entirely possible, as we are part of the truth so the truth is within us. we only need to seek a quiet place (in our life and mind) to be still, and it will reveal itself to us.
---
be still,
-k

vanishing post

2004-12-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

normally i blame lost posts on a tech hiccup (namely blogger, dropped or rolled IP, whatevah). these events happen to coincide with an thought nothing short of an life's work epiphany, a revelation of the life-changing scale.
all lost in an instant to the ether that is the internet.
but today is different. as i was stumbling out of sleep this morning, i had such a momentous thought. i clearly remember thinking, "this is good stuff".
---
and then it happened...
i had the organic equivalent of a tech hiccup (a head jam) and lost the thought forever. i tried stepping back into the room (rerunning), laying down in the same position (temporal acquisition), and recalling the thoughts around the thought (pattern hopping). all without success.
then i was left with, how many thoughts have i lost without knowing about it. does a thought count if you do not recall it. did it ever exist?
---
i hate it when i get all existential.
---
curiously,
-k

proof in doing

2004-12-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

rode the motorcycle in today. much better. but i still could be performing the "perpetuation for existence" bit i mentioned earlier. at what point does the whole "life imitating art" perspective come into play?
------
starting working on "the project" today. something so top secret that the only way i can share it with you is through indirect naming conventions as approved by the genevea convention. from here on out, it will only be called "the project". all indicative terms will be replaced with xxx's
it is difficult trying to encapsulate the xxxxxxx in the appropriate sequence while adhering to the xxxx construct. the available xxxxxxxx is only available for a short time until the monitoring xxxxxx overflows, causing a restart. very time consuming...
more later
------
find beauty in the mundane,
-k

drove the car to work

2004-12-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

j and i woke up around 0200 this morning and had the most fun talking for about two hours. it was really unusual for both of us to be awake so early in the morning. normally, it is just one or the other of us, tending to 10 month m, working to get her to return to lalaland. what was wierd \cool was that we were just talking to each other without the need to divide our attentions to the kids. the whole time i was thinking, "damn, i really like talking to this woman".
---
what with newer job, school, second job, kids, i seem to have left out "spend time with wife". will have to put this on list. with fix house, install light fixture, get car to shop, change bike oil....
---
so i drove the car in this morning.
this really was a good counterpoint to yesterdays post riding a motorcycle brings one closed to way. arriving at work yesterday i was focused and remembered almost nothing about the commute. yet this morning, after swimming upstream with the rest of the fishies, i am feeling anxious and "thinned out", unable to bring my attention to bear to one thing for more than a moment. i also was still slightly fuming from the three driving slobs that i had near misses with.
---
perhaps this is a self-fulfilling prophecy? that i unconsciously seek these conflicts when i am in a car so that i can perpetuate my perceived need to always own and ride a motorcycle?
nah. too complicated.
---
naps are good,
-k

tao of the motorcycle

2004-11-30T09:23:00.000-08:00

it has been occuring to me that a motorcycle is the vehicle of choice for taoists forced to live in the west. the ideal vehicle for those in slower climes is, of course, feet, because walking allows you to sense nature. but, as my fate leaves me solidly tied to in southern california, the motorbike is the mode of choice. allowing me to ebb and flow with the rushhour traffic, it enables me to experience many degrees of freedom not afforded to my car-bound brethren..
------
while on the bike, you are forced to focus on the present traffic situation. what is immediately in your path of vision requires total attention. you need to occasionally glance up to check outside of your immediate "bubble", but do it for too long and you will pay for your distraction. riding forces you to forget about the rude or obnoxious driver that tried to cut you off, for if you spend time berating him, your progress will slow or even halt.
------
if you wish to progress (in traffic or in life) you must pay attention to yourself and the boundaries you are immediately occupying and not become over zealous any one detail. better to read to flow (of traffic or of life) and make the best use of it, rather then fight it. take care of your motorcycle as it were part of you (for once you command it, it will be an extension of yourself).
------
i realize i used too many parentheticals in this last bit, but i never claimed to be a great writer, just expressive.
---

T is for turkey

2004-11-29T13:11:00.000-08:00

L is for leftovers. as in:
turkey sandwiches
turkey soup
turkey gravy
turkey tetrazini
turkey souffle
turkey milkshakes
---
what would the season be without this most humble bird? what animal would take its place on the refridgerator shelves across the nation? it would not, could not be a pigeon (too small) or a dog (perhaps too common?).
can you imagine opening your ice box (do people still call it that?) in the middle of the night and picking through a half dozen or so little pigeon carcasses for a snack? thinking about it, you would have to cook up a few dozen of the little critters in order to get everyone sufficiently full on the big day. i guess that is part of what makes a turkey so attractive. you only really need to butcher and pluck one bird (possibly two) and be done with it. is this why the poor fellow was selected to begin with? for reasons of convenience?

thanks for the giving

2004-11-27T23:27:00.000-08:00

and the cooking.
and the eating.
and the burping.
and the dishes.
---
well the national tribute to over consumption has gracefully closed and all most will have to show for it is safely tucked away in whatever expandable pants they happen to be wearing at the end of the holiday. i can say, that while i always plan to not join them, i almost inevitably do. i can only clearly recall one thanksgiving where i did not make a total pig out of myself. i think that was the year of "the crisis" and i was out that year. if that is the case, then i guess i do not recall it as clearly as i thought, hm?
---
and is it truly the end? if you think about it, this weekend was only the "season opener" for the christmas buying season. a warm up to the month of no-holds-barred consumption of another sort. this past weekend is a mere whisp of effort compared to the onslaught that is the american buying season.
---
as before i promise to myself NOT to perform a repeat of the past weekend and attempt to control myself.with regards to spending habits. somehow, it is easier to not spend money i do not have. if i could only pull that off with the food consumption.
---
had a great talk with my mother this afternoon (for those of you new, i talk to her aften, she is a fascinating person), and we were talking about japan paying reparations for war crimes commited against the indigenous people of Guam. as she and her family were affected i was wondering how does one go about placing a monetary value on the lost potential of an entire life. i do not envy the judge, jury, or tribunal tasked with the effort of determining how much money it would take to make the pain go away. and what is compensation for me never knowing my grandmother? do i not count because i was not yet born ?
---
these are all human trials, and ultimately they will not matter, but for my brief time here, i think they matter a little more than if i was not around. can you miss someone you never met?
---
do not think. breathe.
-k

again from the top...

2004-11-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

testing
testing
this is only a test...

walking the path - kg8820

2004-11-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

walking the path - kg8820
testing insta-blog. you like?

day of thanks

2004-11-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

so tomorrow is thanksgiving. for those unfamiliar, this is a particularly american holiday centered around a large meal (feast, really) and surrounding oneself with family and freinds. if you were to ask some, they would include watching several football games also. the main point of the day is to give thanks for anything you would think of. Health, framily, even good dental health (I, for one, do not think enough people consider being thankful for having all their own teeth).
---
more and more, my thoughts turn to this point:
why should we wait until this specific day of the year to consider the things, people, items we are thankful for?
should not we be thankful for these things every day?
does it not demean and cheapen these things we hold dear by only considering them one day out of the year?
---
i am thankful for each of the ten thousand things that contribute a little bit of themselves everyday to make up the reality i sense every waking moment. without them, i would be lost amongst a sea of gray.
i am also thankful for you, wandering reader. for, although i should not, i rely on your presence as much as the air i breath, because without you these words would be reduced to mere 1's and 0's, existing without meaning.
---
do i exist because you read this?
perhaps not, but it is helpful to think so.
---
thankfully,
-k

the source telling me to shut up

2004-11-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

i was blog-browsing last night and ran accross a discussion group. they were comparing personal and published interpretations of the butterfly parable
the one that goes like this:
i had a dream in which i was a butterfly,.
upon awakening, i thought perhaps i am a butterfly dreaming i am a man.
---
this is perhaps one of the first of many stories that continually helps me focus on the fact that the only permanent thing we can know is impermanence (sp?).
---
so i wanted to chime in and perhaps get some validation and reflection from other like-minded people (being that i know NO other taoists). so i set out to make sure i presented a humble face (because i do not wish to sound aloof), typing streams of thought i did not know i had in me, the words were flowing from the source, as if i were only a vehicle to get them on the screen. SUDDENLY, there is a little techno burp and poof! the post dissappears.
---
i am left with nothing but the waning anticipation of what i thought would be some connection, validation, confirmation of the trappings that describes me. only to be told by the source that these activities are only the ego trying to satisify itself. by striving for achievement, by foolishly trying to cry from the rooftops of my collected thoughts, i have only strayed farther from the source than i have ever been.
---

in retrospect, perhaps the point of the exercise was only to solidify the stray little bits of thought for myself. for while i did not get to contact those people having the discussion, i did get to actually write (type) some thoughts that were never fully coalesced for me before. and the act of performing without thought (being with the flow) is a better teacher than a structured discussion or preconcieved contextual environment.
---
seek silently,
-k

new template

2004-11-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

like the looks. colors fit my mood.
---
added new link (look at the footer). did not ask permission, but after reading his blog did not think he would mind. sense a strong identification as he also observes people out of curiousity but without judgement. had to drop unsaid connections as she has not had a post in 18 months. guess it was a passing fancy for her.
---
remember to breath, yeh?
-k

baby blessing

2004-11-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

tomorrow we are performing a baby blessing for the latest addition to the family. to satisfy my more paranoid tendencies, i will never enter her name here. for the hard to satisfy of those out there (and you know who you are...), i will drop the following hint:
it is a hawaiian name meaning "the waited for one". but hereafter only referred to as "little m" (or "li'l m " for my bruthas). this follows in the vein of referring to her siste as "k", "little k", etc.
---

---
okay. so what does this entail? simply a welcoming of the baby into the "village" we have assembled for it. typically non-denominational (we are in socal, after all) without tendencies towards any particular denomination of following. any words or expressions are moot at this point as she is much to young to consider the choices put before her. will she be christian, catholic, buddhist, taoist, or cult member?
---
my only wish (and one of the few things that entangle me with this lifetime), is that she seek knowledge and be considerate of others. the rest will come as naturally as breathing.
---
oh! and B will be here tomorrow. you will notice i no longer refer to him as "b" (lowercase), this is because he has graduated and now in college. but in my mind's periphery, he will remain "b", somethign all parents can relate to (i hope, anyway). have not seen him in so long, it will be good to catch up. although i do not know how much time there will be to chat as i will be doing the host\emcee thing.
---
are you part of the world or the world part of you?
-k

waning posts

2004-11-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

returning to the path
---
the posts are not as "true" as they once were. or is this only my ego striving to display the progress i percieve myself to be making? and if this is true, then i am actually getting farther away from the source. it is the craving of my ego to have a cheering section, to validate the choices i have deemed appropriate to guide me on this path.
---
i am not fooling myself in thinking i will attain enlightenment in this lifetime. i have children and responsibilities that will keep me firmly attached to this plane. and truthfully, i cannot envision a life without my children. once they were devliered to me, i knew my purpose was to learn by teaching them. i have much to learn (like divorcing myself of wanton desire and discipline) and see at least a couple of returns before arriving "unburdened".
---
what kicked off this episode of intrspection? in serving my ego, i googled my oft used id of "kg8820" and found three pages of stuff. this was to satisfy my desire to impact the world with my presence (the folly of a child). while i have learned that i am part of the world, and therefore everywhe the world is, so why bother with the superficiality of tagging the world through the internet? to prove you were there? your proof is your presence.
---
i will say that the job i have taken recently (about five weeks now) helps me be my truer self than any other i have had (expect that time as a camp counselor). i get to learn, advise, and apply the new knowledge with out fear of contradiction or persecution. what a great opportunity. i was a little frightened to take it as it sounded too good to be true. it was just true.
---
one foot following the other.
-k

sql union

2004-11-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

ready to see what i learned?
---
SELECT job_title as jobMisc
INTO miscInfo
FROM (select job_title
from job_title
UNION
select jobTitleCode
from employee
group by jobTitleCode
)go
---
yummy!
and why is this important? to create a third table with bits of two others (although the datatypes need to be the same), is insanely efficient rather than creating the table then capturing all the data from two other sources and compiling them for an insert. crazy man...
oh! and i finally understand joins (stil working on outer joins, mind you)
this is why i am school. this is why i need to keep learning.
---
work?
am applying everything from school to linux enviro @ work. this is like everything has congealed into where i supposed to be. everyday i sweat out a new wrinkle in the grey matter. this is NOT work. am i a geek or what?
---
-k

mysql.socks

2004-11-11T16:17:00.000-08:00

file should be called mySql.sucks, but you may know it as mySql.socks.
ugh. am in mySql hell as the system is no longer allowing me to log in.
am so lost i do not know if it is a change i made inadvertantly or m$ sql enterprise instituted during a recent install. i would not thinkk they would step opn each other but who can tell anymore. i sure can't. stuff like this makes me feel really stupid.
this command line stuff may take just a little longer to get used to than i originally planned.
---
that being said, this is STILL the best move i could have made.
yeah, me...
-k

late night blogging goodness

2004-11-06T21:58:00.000-08:00

late night blogging goodness
------
just a quick jot to prove to myself i can still blog into the night. looking back on past posts i cannot even find one that took place at night. by habit, all my late night posts seem to rely on pen and paper. my handwriting suffers from the lack of focus, i have not even begun to actually review what i have written. probably lacking as well.
------
went to a midafternoon wedding today (C and M). what a compeltely diverse crowd that was there. i wholly approved of the music selection, everything from brain setzer to frank sinatra (prankie!). it was quite the smarmy night. which is a good thing. little k was dancing and running and jumping and eating and drinking and singing and just having a good old time. we even danced together a little bit. it was the first time we danced that i did not have to hold her, which made it all the more enjoyable for me.
------
aloha nui loa,
-k

the voting system

2004-11-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

what is it about our voting system that is so screwy?
---
well let's have a look at it, shall we?
first we spend hundreds of millions of dollars and who knows how much brain power and energy so that two guys can can berate and deride each other in front of the population for five to six months. once we have the nation nicely polarized, and we name a winner. then we say let's all get over it and now just forget our differences and get behind the winner. the same winner we have been striving to overcome. does anyone else see the problems with this?
we are accepting whomever wins and supporting them by the virtue of the fact "they won"?
this is wrong...
-k

i have no idea

2004-11-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

school and work
---
just wrapped another class at school, think i got an low A, high B range. either way i am satisfied with what i got out of the class. it was mostly ms access so i was not too inclined to stress about it. i do not understand why they are passing off access as something used in the industry. perhaps in a few of the smaller outfits, they would have some legacy dbs in access, but for the most poart, a larger, medium sized organization would upgrade to SQL or mySql for scalability. maybe ms hopes to hook the new user on it like apple used to give grade schools free computers. connect with the userbase at an early stage of development and they believe there is no other product available to them.
---
what ever
---
not much interesting today, altering the structure of defect tracking database. hoping the changes do not bring down the system (yes, i made a backup before starting). mostly boring tedious stuff, but strangely exciting at the same time.
---
meeting with a group of buds from the old work tomorrow. will have to be especially careful not to gloat.
---
on and on,
-k

the day you need to be counted

2004-11-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

while it is your right to vote or not...
---
the impact you make, while voting, is transient and ultimately not affect the state of the world and the direction it is heading in. the only true effect is the feeling of empowerment you receive from the act of voting.

shut up and vote

2004-10-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

you ARE voting aren't you?
------
feeling particularly civic minded lately. this is the result.
------
if you want to be able to voice an opinion with substance.
if you want to be able to justify your bitching when the other guy gets put into office.
if you want to continue to have a choice in what you think is happening.
you will vote.
------
i have been approached by people from both sides with the same remark:
"if wins, the country will be shot to hell. i may as well move to canada"
-- first of all, if the country does indeed go to hell because of an election, then we have larger things to worry about. like we we are acting like idiots because of an election. it is not the candidates we place into office who are in control. the power remains seated with the people placing them in office to begin with. if our future relies so heavily on this one outcome, then perhaps we deservethe future we predict.
-- secondly, there is nothing wrong with canada. i take offense to the way the country is constantly played off as a collection of dupes and hicks. we have a mighty fine collection of dupes and hicks down here already so it is a little like the pot calling the kettle black. while not knowing the entire population of our northern neighbor, the few canadians i have met were far more intelligent than many of the my "home" population that i have met. to further qualify this statement, i have met quite a few of the aforementioned local rubes and hicks (and i am even related to some).
------
you do not have to tell people how you voted.
you do not have to justify to people why you voted the way you did.
you do not have to defend your decisions.
but you should have a good idea as to why you voted the way you did.
the point is you should not feel complled to "prove" your voting stance to anyone...
... anyone but yourself.
------
had to get my vote message out.

blogger, don't do me wrong....

2004-10-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

i mention this because blogger returned with an error, killing yesterdays post. i can recall the early days when i was in the practice of copying the post into notepad just prior to hitting the submit button, just as back up should the unthinkable happen. lo and behold, the unthinkable occurs when you east expect it.
---
so i am the only person in the office and i thought i would use this time to throw up a little post. all in all, this it probably the best career move i have made yet. a small, agile, and forward thinking company with a killer app, in open source? this is just about the most geeky a qa can get (i think, anyway). still no plans on getting me my own phone line, they said they would expense my cell phone. right on...
aloha nui loa, eh?
-k

blogger, my love

2004-10-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

blogger, my love
--
just lost a post. don't fret. more late.
no time. just started a new job, duh...
much love,
-k

whew! as i start the new position

2004-10-28T09:21:00.000-07:00

there is much fun to be had here and i am gathering it all.
much luscious fun while getting completely filthy in open source. haven't spent so much time at a command prompt since dos 5.0 and i am loving it.
typical small company irks, no phone, new desktop system still on order.
typical small company benefits: lax and energetic atmophere, not so rigid hours (min 8).
this truly was the thing to do. almost no one in the office until 1000, so i have the mornings to myself, still getting in @ 0730-0800, open the office, make some tea and sift through email. of which there is little as of yet. working on the bug database until i firm up my application knowledge.
all in all, a great palce to be.
-
what are YOU doing?
-k

positively giddy

2004-10-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

getting more and more excited about the upcoming gig. there will be so much to learn it is a little scary

had lunch with future co-worker R yesterday. thai food rocks. squid, rice, soup, noodles and peanut sauce. i was in heaven. having brought my lunch for so long has helped me to forget what a simple joy it is to buy lunch. It is with this in mind that i propose an international holiday (global in reach, because everyone deserves a great lunch) in which a worker's government takes them out to the spot of their choice. how much could it cost? think of the good will and happiness stemming from such an action.

would you vote for this piece of legistlation?

you know you would...
-k

feeding the need

2004-10-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

with me starting a new position, you would think i would be solely focused on the upcoming transition and the challenges i will be sure to face. but to be quite honest, the only thing i think about is my brand new stinkin' laptop. have been geeking out for about 36 of the last 48 hours (conservative estimate) in getting all my "stuff" installed.
weighing in at a hefty 9+ lbs this is not a system for this with weak constituitions or small laps. i was lucky enough to find this particular system from a clearing house in canada (thanks, R) and it had just about everything i was looking for. the clincher was the 17" wxga. it's like watching tv @ home (i have a smallish set). little k was enthralled and wanted to know if it came with disney.com installed (clever girl, that one).
this purchase should take care of my laptoping needs for the next three to four years, as my trusty viao lasted that long and kept up with me (except for the gaming requirements).
sleepy, but content.

alhoa nui loa.
-k

to flame or not to flame

2004-10-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

what to do, what to do?
i have an exit interview pending as i prepare to depart to my new position.
what shall i say? there are definitely things that should be noted prior to my departure regarding the development practices in place. should i "flame on" or just give them lip service that everything is "just swell"?
the practices here are definitely inbred. by this i mean that the practices are self serving and would not survive in a commonly run dev shop in the outside world.
but truthfully, they are not subject to the rigors of the outside world. they are cloistered in a very protected environment and the things deemed important to them are what comes first. is it just that i am so inflexible my approach that i cannot accept their work habits?
is it me or them?
---
such a dilemna.

resignation posted

2004-09-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

informed current contract and headhunter i will no longer be requiring their employment. that was fun! are there any rules regarding how many times you can resign from one position. i feel like going in there everyday and saying, " i quit".
of course, now i have to overcome the lynix learning curve. getting ready to smoke one of my home systems and making it a lynix pc with an ultra cool KDE. need to find out which version of lynix i will be expected to use.
really want to get a new and sexy laptop, but the dollars are holding me back right now. partial to the VIAO series but damn if they aren't high priced. going to try and sway the CFO to letting me purchase if i promise sell my current one.

a new beginning

2004-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

so i finally landed a new job. yee haw...
having tired from the month to month existence for 21 months, all the sweat of constant interviewing seems to have paid off. a cool, much needed online app running completely on lynix. so i get to grow a new skill set! i think that is the most exciting part.
the app?
think of ebay for nurses, but instead of bidding up, you bid down. this effectively cuts out the middleman consulting firm which means anywhere between 12 to 20 dollars more to the person taking the shift. how cool is that? the added bonus of working in a very samll shop (15 employees) means i will have a chance to do more and different things (always a plus).
i am very excited.
-k

the whine

2004-09-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

have been interviewing for everything but a "cleaning engineer" but still no results. i am not truly in a position to complain (much) as i have been fortunate enough (blessed really) to have been in this contract position for over 21 months. there are others out there much less fortunate than i. i have seen some truly exciting positions but no one seems to be biting.
this dry spell prompts the ego to start getting defensive, which in turn begins to creep into the normally placid headspace i have cultivated. doubt gives way to fear, fear to loathing, loathing to dread, dread to desperation, and on and on... the girls have been my constant reminder that all of this is meaningless and i should play. alot.

2004-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

well, yeehaw...
---
just had to get that out my system. i still have pangs of yearning for my boyhood dreams of being a cowboy. riding the range, cooking over an open fire, and sleeping under the stars. no one to talk to but your horse and an occasional coyote.
what a simple life these men led. i do not think many were aware how very connected to nature they were (they just were). through ignorance or otherwise, they were required to constantly "read" their surroundings and adjust their lifestyle to it.
think about this, if they ran out of supplies and could not fend for themselves, they would die.
---
i am sure there is more room for expansion on this but i can't seem to form complete thoughts at the moment. hell, i can't even type today, it took me more than ten minutes to fat finger this post.

2004-08-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

the vapor from the fog of my existence collects on my clothes, making them cling like a heavy, sagging skin. i want to shed this burden to freely mingle with the elements.

2004-08-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

so i haven't blooged in a while. get over it.
-
at times, words are so pointless.
...

2004-05-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

place of safety?
still the dragon sleeps,
i become bold and walk with a regular gait.
thinking the slumber deepens,
i walk with more force,
taking larger strides,
in the hopes of increasing the distance between this time and the next we meet.
----
i cling to this thread,
this moment of peace.
the thought being,
i can nurture it into a sustainable existence.
into a place i can once again prosper.
into a place more like what was.
----
what is this yearning for what was?
why are we so conditioned to find a place where nothing will change?
when will we accept there is no permanence other than change?
the postulate is thus:
all humans desire only two things, to be happy and avoid suffering.
where does it state: seek security?
it does not.

--live on--

-k