an abrupt and unexpected end

the time for this blog is at an end.

having originally started this blog at the beginning of my journey to finding balance, i can honestly state i am closer to the center of where i want to be than i have ever been. i am more capable of finding and discussing my thoughts on the matter without generating much mental "heat" which would cause all the words to get caught in my throat. i can actually talk about it now. much of this fact is because of the thoughtful and considerate inquiries i have had to this blog.

it has been helpful and rewarding to know there were a handful of readers out there looking to this humble collection of words for something. the something varied on the individual and the unique perspectives related were humorous, touching, and at times, thought provoking.

to those people, i offer a deep and humble "thank you". without you, i could not have gotten here.

the children are now 19 (B), 5 (k), and 1 (m), and hopefully, with care, i can give them the gift you have bestowed upon me. a clarity of thought that will help guide them on their personal journey.

most gratefully,
-k

teeny tiny post

will see in a bit.
tired. no coherent thoughts. well at least the ones i have been having are only suitable for my weekly papers for my classes. somehow, i do not think you would find the intracacies of project management tools very exciting readin material.
i spend most of the time looking up references and making sure the citation formats is correct. do you have any idea how non-fun that is for a person? i don't think you do...
more later (just do not know how much later).
-k

been awhile

been busy, here the fast version:
-lost forty pounds to date (20 more to go).
-starting second to last class for my undergrad degree.
-m and k will not stop growing up or getting more beautiful.
-b will not stop partying.
-work continues to teach me stuff i did not know
-won the arbitration.

all for now. aloha nui loa.
-k

furiously, seekingly, maddeningly

am being crushed by the weight of this testing project. very complicated.

note that i am careful not to discuss where i work, only the tasks i am performing? this is a lesson i picked up from heather b. armstrong. she is the originator of what not to write about in your blog.

this testcase (an entire suite, actually), requires test conditions covering three different time conditions: max hours per day, max hours per week, and max consecutive days. so depending on the current accumulated hours\days, the person will be able to see or touch the assignments. additionally, there are 7 scheduling options available, but only four are critical, the others "time permitting".

the time table needs to encompass a three month span at minimum to allow the time window to "age", permitting the function to exercise the breadth of its coding.

why do i write about this here? because while i can pen the individual timelines (very time consuming), i am sure there is a more elegant proposition available. i know it is there, it is just hiding from me.

damn you for hiding.

seekingly,
-k

spark of self-awareness

i wish i had a magic wand.

it would be a wand with a single task. not to grant self-absorbed wishes of money, happiness, or things of that nature. its sole purpose would be to grant self-realization. not wanting to sound like a well-counseled therapy rat (no offense if you are), but i have witnessed so many people living in misery, and for the life of them, they cannot figure out why.

always someone elses fault, someone elses responsibility, as if they are somehow never given the opportunity to take control of their own happiness. i know this is a rant. a rant on those who are seemingly unable to conceive controlling their destiny. at this time, i, like those i center my attention on (today, at least), am unable to control myself. i am more like them than i know or am willing to admit.

wanting to help, attempting to explain this to them. leaving hints of their own power, hoping they will discover the inherent ability in themselves. desperately wanting to help them, thinking i can show them the way. they circle the truth, either too afraid to accept it or unable to reach for it, while repeatedly enduring the suffering that is their time. i am a witness to their inane babbling as they fulfill their particular destiny. completing the task they are assigned at this time.
then i relinquish and realize they are doing what they are supposed to do.

and so am i.

circlingly,
-k

death knocks

was just informed yet another first cousin has passed away (died) of congestive heart failure.

he was 54.

YIKES!

what does this mean to me?
let's see, i am:
-overweight (aren't most)
-an ex-smoker (smoked for 20+ years)
-have high blood pressure
-have scary high cholesterol (according to doc Yee)
-am not as active as i am supposed to be (who is?)

factoring in these points with my family medical history does not make for a very rosy outlook.

what is a heavy, ex-smoking, hyper-tension, skyrocketing blood pressure, lazy asian brother to do?

easy. i am going to eat a greasy pork sandwich (with extra mayo), while smoking and then take a nap. well maybe not quite in that order. okay maybe not that order at all. okay, okay, maybe none of these things.

what i will do is prepare my wife kids as best i can for my departure. not my departure, per se, but the skills to understand that life does not end with the expiration of "shell". that the worst thing about someone dying is that we, those left without them, will miss them. it is the presence of the person passing we miss, not the shell we are used to seeing them in.

oh, and i forgot the other part. the part about how if you listen really, really hard, you can hear the voice of that person emanating from your heart.

quietly,
-k

greener grass?

the girls grow, i get older, and i question if i am doing what i supposed to be doing.

right about my one year anniversary for whatever i happen to be doing, i always seem to get a nagging bit of the "grass is always greener..." syndrome. i find myself in the throes of this condition as i pass my 11 month anniversary. so what is a fellow to do? what i always do, sit tight and wait for the universe to speak to me. it always does around this time and there is truly no way of knowing which way i will be jumping.
so does this make me wise to the ebb and flow of the universe or just a flake looking for any reason to keep myself (and my loving family) jumpy at the prospect of possibly making yet another move?

only time will tell, i suppose.

i will finish up with school in early january (hoorah!). that is if you do not count the 27 lower division credits i still need to acquire to complete my degree. i will be attempting a series of pass\fail courses in order to speed this process along.